The Friend

Over the past month, we’ve explored various passages throughout 1 and 2 Samuel, asking a vital question: how does a Christian actually grow in character? We’ve seen that your relationship with God must be central—he can’t remain at the edges of your life. You must learn to trust his love for you. You must grow in humility. You must grow in courage. But this passage shows us that none of those things can fully take root apart from true friendship with real friends. In this passage, we learn three lessons: (1) the importance of friendship, (2) what it looks like, and (3) how to apply it.

The Importance of Friendship

Jonathan recognizes early on that David is the LORD’s chosen king. So in verse 4 of chapter 18, he gives David his robe, tunic, sword, bow, and belt—a striking, voluntary surrender of his own claim to power. His father Saul responds in exactly the opposite way. As he begins to realize that David is the one who will replace him, his envy turns violent, and throughout chapters 18-20 he repeatedly tries to kill him. In one of the most dangerous seasons of David’s life, his friendship with Jonathan sustains and preserves him—and also presents us with a clear picture of true friendship.

Why do we need this kind of friendship? First, consider the biblical logic. David was a born leader with many gifts—a warrior, shepherd, and king described as a “man after [God’s] own heart.” Yet in the hardest season of his life, he needed a friend to survive. So if even someone like David needed that, then so do we. And since life is full of suffering, we don’t just need friendship in rare moments of crisis—we need it all throughout life. There is a deeper theological reason as well. In Genesis 1, God says, “Let us make man in our image.” At the center of the triune God’s own life is fellowship, covenant, and friendship. This means that, before the world ever was, friendship existed. And since we’ve been created in God’s image, we were made for it as well. That’s why, in the Garden of Eden, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Even paradise wasn’t enough without friendship. There will be oceans of sorrow, trial, and trouble in this life, and without real friendships, you will drown.

In The Lord of the Rings, the character Gollum was once Sméagol, but the ring became his idol, and it deformed him. That’s what sin does: it disfigures and distorts. But when Frodo shows Gollum compassion, something in him begins to return—he even starts speaking in the first person again. Sin isolates, but friendship has a way of making us human again. In a generation like ours, where career, wealth, and sexual chemistry are often treated as ultimate, friendship is easily overlooked, but Scripture shows how vital it is. So don’t just look for good friends—become one. Nurture the friendships you have. Grow in them. Your life depends on it.

Question 1: What would need to change in your view of friendship for you to treat it not as a luxury to enjoy, but as something your life and soul actually depend on?

What Friendship Looks Like

The narrative arc of David and Jonathan reveals four key dynamics about true friendship.

First, every friendship begins with connection. Verses 1-3 of chapter 18 show that David and Jonathan are living in the same house, which gives Jonathan a close view not only of David’s greatness, but also of the ordinary rhythms that make up most of a person’s life. And it is often in those quiet, mundane moments that you come to truly know someone. As they share life together, Jonathan becomes “one in spirit” with David. Their initial connection deepened into shared values, oneness, and love—so much so that Jonathan loves David as himself. This is part of what friendship does: through friends, you come to know yourself better. You begin to see more clearly what you value, what you should value, and what truly moves you. In this way, friendship isn’t just practical or emotional—it’s also deeply spiritual.

But we often settle for far less. We tend to over-accommodate one another’s preferences, tiptoe around one another’s dysfunctions, and call that friendship. Because we’re a lonely, anxious, and tired generation, we often settle for what’s easy. We spend time together, but we don’t love one another deeply enough to speak honestly or act courageously for one another’s good. We see each other’s flaws, but lack the humility, courage, and love to do what real friendship requires. That’s the difference between using friends to soothe your loneliness and actually being a good friend. If a relationship only lasts while it’s easy or emotionally rewarding, that’s not friendship; it’s conditional love. But Proverbs 17 says, “A friend loves at all times”—that kind of love runs deep. By the end of this story, David and Jonathan are weeping, embracing, and kissing one another. Why? Because, as verse 42 of chapter 20 says, they had “sworn friendship… in the name of the LORD.”

Second, deep friendship is costly, and that cost builds credibility. In real friendship, sacrifice and trust grow together: deeper investment builds deeper trust and credibility. In verse 4 of chapter 18, Jonathan takes off his robe and gives it to David. This is the heir to the throne freely yielding his future to another: I will decrease so that you may increase. This highlights an amazing privilege of friendship: to be able to say to another, I see God working in you. Sometimes that's going to come at a cost—your robe, your sword, your comfort, your security, your convenience. Sometimes it even feels as though your own progress is being slowed for the sake of another. Most of us love the idea of friendship until it starts costing us. But Jonathan surrenders because he saw the LORD was with David. He gives, protects, and, in effect, says that David’s flourishing is worth his sacrifice. That’s the opposite of the world’s logic. The world says, my advancement at your expense. The gospel says, your advancement at my expense.

Jonathan doesn’t just feel warmly toward David—he actively lays himself down for him. In verse 4 of chapter 20, he promises, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.” This devotion eventually costs Jonathan his life, but that kind of sacrifice builds the credibility and integrity that make honesty possible. People are more willing to hear hard things from someone they trust. That’s why Jonathan can stand against Saul in chapter 19—earning the wrath of his father—and also push back on David in chapter 20 when he believes David is wrong. He’s not simply taking sides; rather, he’s willing to both say hard truths and to hear them.

Today, many of us would rather stay on good terms with others than tell the truth. But real friendship can’t avoid confrontation. There will be disagreement, painful conversations, even wounds—but only covenant friendship can truly bear that weight, because it’s built on trust, sacrifice, and love. So when a friend is spiraling in pride, enslaved to lust, chasing quick money, or wrecking relationship after relationship, love says, I can’t let you go there. Proverbs 27 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Hebrews 3 says to “encourage one another daily… so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.” Sin is so deceptive that the most dangerous things in your life are often the things you’re least able to see. That’s why you must not run from friends who tell you the truth. And you must not become the kind of person who only wants friendship on your own terms. You need courageous, insightful friends who can cut through your pride when you're trying to “game the system.” That's what builds integrity and trust. It's one thing to say, I'm open. I share. I connect. But even people who use each other can do that too, and they do it really well. It's another thing to build the kind of trust where two people can speak honestly, listen humbly, and stay committed even when it hurts. It takes a certain kind of humility and courage—the kind that God uses through your friendships and his Word to shape you.

Finally, at the heart of every true friendship is covenant—a promise. In 1 Samuel 18:3, Jonathan makes a life-binding covenant with David, and that promise shapes everything that follows. By contrast, we often pursue friendships that minimize our obligation and maximize what we receive, but a true covenantal friendship binds itself in love. That’s why friendship and marriage are deeply connected. Marriage is a life-binding covenant, but at its core it’s also a deep friendship—one that holds through richness and poverty, joy and sorrow, sickness and health. We live in a world obsessed with self-fulfillment, and then wonder why we feel so alone. Covenantal friendship is anchored not in whether all your needs are being met, but in the relationship itself. Jonathan knew what his covenant with David would cost him: the kingdom, his standing with his father, and eventually his life. Yet never once does he ask, What do I get out of this? Instead, in verse 4 of chapter 20 he says, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it for you.” That’s a real friend. Who is like that in your life? More importantly: are you becoming that kind of person? Because that’s what you are called to be. And yet on your own, it’s impossible.

Question 2: What most convicts, challenges, or encourages you in this section? What might it look like to respond to that in a practical way this week?

How to Apply Friendship

David was preserved and brought into his calling as king through Jonathan’s friendship. Jonathan could have saved himself by betraying David or distancing himself from Saul. Instead, he remains faithful to both. In many ways, Jonathan becomes the kind of king Saul should have been by laying down his own claim to the throne. He gives up his status, absorbs the king’s anger meant for David, and eventually dies fighting alongside his father. He surrenders his robe—his status. He surrenders his sword—his power, security, and defense. He suffers loss so that David might live and reign. For David to be saved, Jonathan had to be stripped of what was his. All of this points beyond itself. Jesus Christ is the greater Jonathan, the true Son—not of an evil king, but of the perfect King. Where Jonathan absorbs the partial wrath of an unjust king, Jesus absorbs the full wrath of a just and holy God. Where Jonathan gives up robe and sword, Jesus is stripped and made utterly vulnerable. Where Jonathan risks himself for David, Jesus gives himself fully for his people. He is betrayed, abandoned, isolated, and forsaken. Yet he remains faithful—to his Father, to God’s justice, and to his friends: “Not my will, but yours be done.” This is covenant friendship in its fullest form. Jesus binds himself to us. He bears the judgment we deserved and gives himself so that we might live.

If David could be preserved and brought to his greatest potential through an earthly friendship with Jonathan, how much more can we be changed through our friendship with Jesus Christ? His friendship is deeper, costlier, and more steadfast than any earthly friendship. He knows us fully and still loves us. He speaks truth to us by his Word and Spirit, and he hears even our weakest prayers. There is no greater loyalty, sacrifice, or love than his. And because he died and rose again, his friendship doesn’t end—it’s stronger than death. Look at the connecting and costly and committed and credible friendship of Jesus. He has so bound himself to his people that our joy becomes his joy. His love cost him his life on the cross so that we might become a new creation in him. And if you see that covenant love and trust in it, it will begin to form those same qualities in you. It will make you into the kind of friend you have always longed for. We need that kind of friendship from Christ, and we need it in one another. In him, you have the power to become it.

Question 3: How does seeing Jesus as the ultimate Jonathan—the friend who gave up everything so that we could reach our potential—equip you to become a better friend to those around you?